Dr. ---isms #4

“Has any of this helped at all?  Even in the slightest?”

Very much so, and you are to be congratulated and thanked. 

“Maybe it is because you get ‘stupid scared’, as you call it, but sometimes I can’t tell if we are doing anything to improve matters for you.”

When I am feeling my worst these days, it is still so far above how I felt at my best.  Before I started coming here.
"Oh. Wow, okay then. Really? I guess we have done some good.  I can’t help but feel like we are making progress- maybe. Maybe making progress- but at a snail’s pace.”
To a snail, a turtle's pace is really fucking intense.  
The Doctor considers this statement for a moment before finally smiling, in a surprised sort of way.  “Yes! Yes, I agree. Weird scenario to use as an example, but you're absolutely right."

“The reason that I mentioned that diagnosis in the first place was just to let you know what your symptoms COULD look like.  Somewhere down the line, a professional might look at you and say that that 'S' word fits your presentation.  I just wanted you to be aware in case that happens.”

Well how fortunate that YOU are not that professional!

“I agree and...  Hm... Sheesh! Gee, thanks .. I guess?” The Doctor is trying, and failing, to keep the smirk out of their expression. It takes me a second before I understand what I have said. Fuck. I am always so awkward. 

OH. I didn’t mean that the way it sounded! What I meant was: you are not that professional; not that you are not that professional!

That was fucking stupid. I open my mouth to speak- hoping to apologize or to elaborate or whatever- but I quickly close it again without making a sound. I can tell that The Doctor also has something to say, but is waiting on me. The false starts happen twice more before they cannot maintain neutrality any longer. A full smile appears and then is poorly hidden behind a hand, though the quiet laughter is impossible to miss. 

"It's okay- I didn't take it that way. Don't worry about it." 
I glower petulantly at The Doctor because that is just what I always do when overcome with gratefulness. It is one of the many things that is simply understood (plus there are some crossed wires between my feelings and face).  I cannot believe how lucky I was when my intake appointment brought me to this person..... But- damn it all- I would still prefer to not make a fool of myself if I had my druthers.

"You know that I am not laughing at you, right? Okay good- just had to make sure. I know that you were not intending to be funny, but unfortunately, that is what makes it even funnier."

Oh- by the way- I totally understand why you didn’t tell the joke about wonder woman and superman.

Instantly, The Doctor's head tilts back as they laugh.

“The horribly inappropriate one?”

Yes.  There really was no way to clean that one up. 

“Even though it was too filthy to tell you, it is something we can both enjoy knowing without saying.”

“What if I told you that you could have this type of interaction with someone else?  You could trust that when you shared something personal with them, it would never be turned against you or become a source of shame or guilt.  What would you say to that?” 

I would assume that you were making a professional referral.

The Doctor's smile is unusual because it is steadily growing, whereas they usually just do it.  This time it is gradual growth, long seconds of silence, until their grin is as wide as I have ever seen it.  Whatever the underlying reaction is, I cannot recognize it.  When they speak, the expression doesn’t go away.

“Of course you would.”

“How about we check your blood pressure?”

It is fine.

“It is fine if we check it?”

Actually not what I meant, and the ….

The Doctor smoothly cuts me off, and has cleverly done so while my protest is still on the tip of my tongue, .“Great!  I will even let you operate the beastly device.  No need to thank me.”

Then I shan’t.